Marriage: Not Life or Death

This is going to be a little bit more opinionated that my usual blog posts. The topic has come up more times than I can count this week. Not just with myself and my significant other, but other people in my life who are single or not currently married. I did some research on it, but the research is very limited.   

I am at the time of my life where a lot of my friends are getting married or having children. It seems that a new wedding invitation pops up in the mail every few months as of late. Now, I am very happy to see my friends get married on a very special day and start their lives together. I think it is a beautiful time in people's lives. People who are married or getting married, this blog post is not aimed at you or your marriage, I promise. I don't hate marriage, I don't wish that all marriages will fail, ECT.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a little over six years. He is currently finishing up his degree and I am working full time and working towards my Master's degree. We do not live together nor do we share the same bank account. Marriage has been a discussion, but not something that needs to be done right away. I want him to be able to succeed and finish his education, just in case something happens that leaves him to live an independent life.

However, if we walk into a gathering of people who are currently married, nine times out of ten we will receive one of more of the following questions:

*I should note, again, that this isn't every married couple in the world. This isn't intended for a specific group of friends, acquaintances, or otherwise.   

1. "So, when are you two getting married?"
2. "Oh. Six years? And you're not married yet?"
3. "You're waiting till he graduates? Wow. That's selfish."
4. "You'll regret not getting married young."
5. "Oh! We can have a married couples get together!"
6. "I don't know how you live without being married."
7.  Having someone plan your life around you getting married to one another. (My favorite!)
8. "Why don't you just get married? I mean, you've been together forever."

What is our response? We laugh, get nervous, or we begin to fall into what Elisabeth Noelle calls "Spiral of Silence" (Media Effects, 29). Noelle describes it as "The perpetual fear of isolating themselves and carefully monitor public opinion to see which views are acceptable. When their opinions appear out of favor, they keep silent" (Media Effects, 29). We could go into discussion as to why we aren't married or why we think marriage shouldn't be a rushed event but, that sends us backwards or escalates the conversation. We're not looking to upset our married friends and we don't want people to create false opinions of us based on our answers. 

What do we want to say? We're not ready for that type of commitment or we want to be able to get our own lives together before looking into that or we just are looking forward to spending time together right now.

How should non married couples/single persons respond to such questions? Why do people ask such questions? This also applies to single persons as well. If someone hits a certain age, the question is still the same except "you two" changes to just "you". In most cases, both sides of the conversation have communication barriers.

There are hundreds of reasons that a communication barrier(s) might be brought into a conversation. Most of these reasons can be condensed into seven different types of barriers: physical, perceptual, emotional, cultural, gender, language, and interpersonal. The above example is best described as either an emotional, perceptual, or cultural barrier. Emotional barrier can refer to either the sender, receiver, or both. When you walk into a conversation, you might immediately assume someone's emotional state which will curb your responses. This is the same the other way around on the sender's side in which their emotional state creates irrelevant statements or statements that cause sender's to say, "I didn't mean it like that". 

The cultural barrier is very important to the example of marriage discussion. People grow up in a world that is getting smaller in thought processes by the day. You have to also be able to look in the culture that they grew up in to better understand their statements. This leads into perceptual barriers, which are caused by different world views. This can begin in cultural barriers. Perceptual barriers can cause a person to speak based on their own personal experience or perception of the world. 

It is possible that this communication can stem from people being happy in their married life and they want you to be happy, too. It is also possible that they enjoy time with their married friends. The reasons can vary from person to person and couple to couple. Everyone is going to be different in every location around the world. However, this should be taken into account when the question or statement is posed to an non married person or couple. 

So, what should be done in this situation for the sender and receiver? 

• Acknowledge your own biases first
• Look through the lens of those who are least likely to align with your views
• Listen.
• Fashion your message to include something that everyone can relate to.

The most difficult part about communication is attempting to understand someone's worldview. You are not going to be able to be able to communicate effectively if you don't at least attempt it. This is directed to both sides of the conversation. Once you're able to understand someone's views - understand, not agree in most cases - you are able to have an open discussion that might lead to new information about the person. 

Also, ask non-defensive open ended questions. 

Instead of 
Why aren't you married?

You should try:
What are your thoughts on marriage?

This allows for a healthy discussion. Open ended questions are very important when talking to someone about a topic. "What are your thoughts on marriage?" can truly make a difference in a conversation as it is not accusatory nor does it come off blatantly offensive. If I was asked the open ended question, I would be able to discuss and explore different opinions on different subtopics of marriage and I might learn something from the other person.

In conclusion, remember to take into account a person's world view and their personal experiences before becoming enraged or offended. Marriage is not a life or death situation that will make or break you as a person or a couple. You should always respect people's opinions on such topics, even if you do not agree with them. If someone tells you they don't want to talk about it or they seem offended by your question or response, move on to the next topic. Does this mean stop talking about marriage? No. In fact, be happy with your significant other and be excited about your wedding day. Just don't worry about everyone else.