Face-to-Face Communication: The Fear

Communication can be viewed on a number of levels. Most people view communication as a message sent from the sender to the receiver and back again. But, people forget elements such as a noise or non-verbal queues that can change the message entirely. For most, these elements are ignored. For myself and others, however, it puts us into a state of anxiety.

"There comes a point where anxiety can be so great that people become paralyzed with fear. At this catastrophic point, drastic changes are evident in the way people communicate. Since they no longer can concentrate on the message or the messenger, they fall back on negative stereotypes or simply withdraw from the conversation" (Gudykunst, 435). 

I am a person that is extremely extroverted - mostly. I grew up in an Italian household where screaming over people was the proper way of communicating the message effectively. However, when I went through the social situations of High School and college, I learned that this was less effective. I was still an effective communicator on other mediums. Through telecommunications, I excelled and was able to get my message across without an issue. However, I still struggled with face-to-face interaction.

I reassessed my idea of an effective communications model and learned that staying quiet when someone was talking was the best answer. This caused me to shift from an extrovert in person to an introvert in most situations. I was more aware of the communication models between other people and I started to just sit back and watch.

However, this is exemplified in situations where I am meeting and hanging out with someone for the first time. I undergo conscious incompetence and start to panic slightly, even know I know that I am misinterpreting the message. 

William Howell, a mentor of Gudykunst, breaks down these social interactions into four categories of communication competence:

1. Unconscious incompetence. We misinterpret others' behavior and aren't even aware we're doing so. Ignorance is bliss.
2. Conscious incompetence. We know that we're misinterpreting others' behavior but don't do anything about it.
3. Conscious competence. We think about our communication and continually work at changing what we do in order to become more effective.
4. Unconscious competence. We've developed our communication skills to the point where we no longer have to think about how we speak or listen.

In order to achieve the fourth level, one must undergo mistakes and miscommunication. The person that is the sender, has to be able to see the models fail and then try again in the same situation involving the same sender/receiver. I am usually at level two, which causes me to fly into an over analyzed state. The idea is still there in terms that the miscommunication that I am clearly over thinking is not truly what it is. However, the fear is what sets in.

Achieving level four is almost impossible. We are constantly aware of our communication and we constantly adjust to any changes. This was apparent this past weekend when I went to a Convention. The conversation started out wonderfully but then the fear set in after a miscommunicated non-verbal queue. I immediately threw myself into an awkward and fearful stage for the rest of the weekend, completely ignoring other communication. I went from being outgoing and talkative to quiet and analytical. I realized that the receiver became the sender and they spoke more than I did. Words were in the back of my mind and the tip of my tongue, but they could not be formulated because of my idea of how the communication went. 

But, instead of actually assessing the miscommunication, I continued with the conversation. This situation also happens within the first few interactions with someone face-to-face. Sometimes these interactions only take a few times before I can actually be comfortable with the communication. But, there are other times in which the interactions might have to be a larger number because of elements in the communication. A person who is intimidating in personality or a person's non-verbal communication not matching their verbal queues, will cause a communicator to shift in their model.

I am a person who takes time to analyze our communication and why it is effective or not effective. In reality, I am a person who tries to use structuration. With it, I am able to better assess situations and stop consistent miscommunication that might become a larger issue. 

Marshall Scott Poole, in Chapter 8 of Group Decision Making, states, 

Structuration is the production and reproduction of social systems by people's use of rules and resources in interaction. Communication matters when groups make decisions. Quality of structure means that rules and resources members use will affect decisions, and in turn those structures will be affected by those decisions.

Back to what I was discussing before, it is a trial and error process. You send a message to the receiver, you also become the receiver in the Communication model. In order to know what the rules are, you have to test out the waters. Sometimes you can gain that information by simply analyzing a group. But, the risk of analyzing is that you may not have that same level of relationship as others in the group and you end up looking like an idiot. Also, if you add the element of fear, it makes the situation way worse.

In other words, this is how intergroup anxiety and uncertainty are usually created and alleviated, but when fear and confusion are almost nonexistent or extremely high, the rules of the game change and all bets are off (Gudykunst, 433).

When you're in fear, one of two things will happen. One, the rest of the group or the single receiver will immediately notice and take on the same feeling. The other option is that the receiver will try to accommodate that fear by talking more or taking the conversation in a completely different direction. This is normal human behavior. Sometimes I find myself on the other side of this, towering over people at a loud volume to overcompensate for the lack of silence.

In conclusion, be aware of your communication models. It takes time, but having unconscious competence will help you excel in social situations. Remember that your interactions, regardless if they are considered fearful or not, can and will impose on everyone else. Once you are able to assess these models, you will be able to learn how to be a better communicator. Finally, do not feel that you need to be perfect. Communication takes a lot of practice that does not come easily on the first try. 

~Meredith Gerber